Motherhood: A reflection

October is a busy month for us. We celebrated Dylan's 9th birthday and Tyler and Landon's 3rd birthday.

It's a bit strange to have a 9 year old. I of course feel like it was just yesterday that Dylan entered this world after 3 1/2 hours of pushing ( had to throw that in ). He has brought nothing but joy and he began my journey of motherhood. Being a new mom I was armed with tons of "I will nevers". Such as: I will never feed my child formula (Dylan had formula starting at 6 weeks because breastfeeding proved to really hard.) I will never say "no" to my child. (Yeah right.) I remember napping with him on the couch..him snuggled under my arm perfectly. It was pure bliss to me. I knew him so well. The first time he got hurt I cried more than he did. He was the smartest baby EVER... his dad and I were convinced that at 3 months he was saying "I love you". I miss those days. The simple state of feeling capable. I felt so capable of being a mother to this one little boy. I was good at doting on him, smothering him with love and spoiling him with kisses.

As life goes on and more children have joined our family I have been amazed at the capacity of love you are given as a mother. There is always more room in your heart for the next child...To love them just as you do the ones before. Feelings of inadequacy come when I feel that I can't possibly give each child the individual attention they need and deserve. I don't think there is a night that I don't lie in bed and do a "time inventory" in my head. Did I spend enough time with each child? Did I make them feel like an important individual? With a lot of kids in our family it can be easy to group them...meaning I focus on the group of them and not on them individually. But then I see them interact with each other and how they cheer each other on, defend each other, love each other, and then I think I may be doing something right.

Tyler and Landon...what can I say....it has been really....interesting.....and wonderful! The early days were a bit hairy. I look back now and wonder how I survived. Two colicky babies, no sleep, crying ALLLL day long. It is no wonder I have a few gray hairs and some fine lines. (Absolutely has nothing to do with the fact that I am in my 30's now;))

I can not picture my life without them. They are a blessing in ways they will never know. They are so loved by us all. They bring laughter and happiness to our home. They are our little entertainers. Landon is my cleaner...always cleaning something up. And Tyler is my little love. He loves to cuddle and give hugs.

I think of the future and how wonderful it will be. All of these kids, all of these personalities, interests and dreams and goals.

My house is loud....and I LOVE it!!